year 1 Medical School

I have finished my first year of medical school. It FLEW by and allegedlly it gets easier from here. I don't know about that but I'm happy to be done. Happy because I'm going to Ecuador to do something helpful (instead of just learning how to be helpful one day) and after Ecuador I'm going to Detroit to do a month long program in Urban health disparities. I'm excited about learning the different things that you can't read about when it comes to trying to make the world a more healthy and equitable place.

I feel bad that my life has been run over by medicine. Like can I still have a good conversation about constructionism, or about the way to tell the differnce between chinese and indian buddah statues? Can I still write a poem? I mean its only been a year but still, it's like medical knowledge is pushing everything else out. I can't remember things I never thought I'd forget, even though my brain has already decided that those details are minor. I guess everyone has to sacrafice in order to move to the next level. I can't be everything I want to be right now. Especially when the path I've chosen is a billion pages of infomation that I have to at least try my hardest to know as much as I can. But medicine in itself is intriguing and ther are many edges to it. Not just medicine, but dealing with human beings human emotions human illogic and logic. Learning health care systems and health care politics, learningin health economics and business. Learning how to work with others who are investing thier educations into health like therapists of all sorts and communitiy groups like AA, and education and the ways to translate education into health behavior.

I'm still trying to find my niche. I would like to learn development like how to build communities, but I also want to dabble is some aspects of public health though bioterrorism and preparedness, I could care less about; sorry people are dying in droves from economic terrorism and corruption not so much from anthrax.

Its been fun though. I remember when I was set on being a surgeon for like 5 months. I'm sure that that dream hasn't completly died but I think there is something closer to the roots for me. A little less clear cut but made for the poor people I want to work with. I still don't know how that's going to work considereing the fact that I allegedly have to make money in order to live. It'll all work out, though I probably won't be making real money. I just hope I make enough to vacation. I just hope that there is a person who can be there with me in life. My latest philosophical question is whether or not it's ok to sacrafice a social life for a occupation like medicine where your intentions are the purest. I used to think it was a little questionable that business man/woman X decided their work was more important than raising their kids blah blah. I've always wanted to provide my little seeds (well to have them first) with as much mom time as they needed to be good people. How am I supposed to know that?! Maybe I shouldn't want children... I mean I don't think I'm having any kids anytime in any kind of fathomable future but still. I can always adopt teenagers which is sort of a secret desire of mine. And what kind of man whould I need to be with in order to live the kind of life that I am setting myself up for. Which also throws in a wrench because it's more than a dream now, now it's steps its a matter of taking them and I will probably get to point B.

One year down means its really real. I'm gonna be a doctor! (God Willing)

Being a Third Year Medical Student

I love medicine. It fits right in there with God, love. family, and friends as something that is so good for me and to me that I can't describe it. Maybe it's not medicine, but being brought in to peoples lives over and over again. The way they just open up and share and trust, and the way you can do something even if its just trying to help... even when it doesn't turn out so well.

But being a third year student sucks sometimes. You fumble around trying to figure things out and when you finally do the rotation is over. There are people 'pimping' you as we so affectionately call it, all the time and if they aren't you feel like they should be. Why should they be, cause these people are giving you a grade and you need them to know that you know something, so if they don't pimp you you're on your own trying to balance the fine line between being an a--hole and actually asking intelligent questions and making intelligent comments. The hardest thing is the hurt of knowing that some people are going to die.. or worse... not get better despite the fact that they will probably be alive for a long long time. It's seeing what people can do to each other.. gun shot wounds, blunt trauma assaults, physical and sexual abuse... All of that and realizing that you don't know that much and need to fit in reading and studying on your own... and learning how to cope with all that stuff... on your own. Because although this is medicine and these circumstances will always be a part of medicine, as a third year student its all new, sometimes overwhelming, and most times uncomfortable.

The good thing is I'm learning a lot and learning what it truly means to balance my time. when its all up to me. I'm learning how to relate to people without being thoroughly overwhelmed by their circumstances (learning how...) and even though I'm totally lost 50% of the time, patients still let me in. The best thing I'm learning and becoming one with is the fact that I will probably make 100 mistakes or more... probably more like 365 mistakes in this year.. and probably be embarassed by at least a third of them.. and that its ok because the next day (or even a few minutes later), patients will still let me be a part of this thing that I love.

I was given this pamphlet entitled: Love is the remedy God is the healer. And whatever faith you have or don't have there is something about that concept that really describes medicine. You do your best everyday to throw these IV bags, tablets, scalpels of love at peoples bodies hoping that 'the healing factor' will do it's part. Some old or young people get pneumonia and die, some don't. If you take malpractice and population bias out of it, there is something magical about that. And perhaps this thought is what helps me get through the heartbreak of knowing Ms. IQ is not getting better, or that PM has major depression (horrible childhood) at age 12. And perhaps its the love that gets MB through her third year, and God that makes her a strong doctor.

All praise to the healer.