Being a Third Year Medical Student

I love medicine. It fits right in there with God, love. family, and friends as something that is so good for me and to me that I can't describe it. Maybe it's not medicine, but being brought in to peoples lives over and over again. The way they just open up and share and trust, and the way you can do something even if its just trying to help... even when it doesn't turn out so well.

But being a third year student sucks sometimes. You fumble around trying to figure things out and when you finally do the rotation is over. There are people 'pimping' you as we so affectionately call it, all the time and if they aren't you feel like they should be. Why should they be, cause these people are giving you a grade and you need them to know that you know something, so if they don't pimp you you're on your own trying to balance the fine line between being an a--hole and actually asking intelligent questions and making intelligent comments. The hardest thing is the hurt of knowing that some people are going to die.. or worse... not get better despite the fact that they will probably be alive for a long long time. It's seeing what people can do to each other.. gun shot wounds, blunt trauma assaults, physical and sexual abuse... All of that and realizing that you don't know that much and need to fit in reading and studying on your own... and learning how to cope with all that stuff... on your own. Because although this is medicine and these circumstances will always be a part of medicine, as a third year student its all new, sometimes overwhelming, and most times uncomfortable.

The good thing is I'm learning a lot and learning what it truly means to balance my time. when its all up to me. I'm learning how to relate to people without being thoroughly overwhelmed by their circumstances (learning how...) and even though I'm totally lost 50% of the time, patients still let me in. The best thing I'm learning and becoming one with is the fact that I will probably make 100 mistakes or more... probably more like 365 mistakes in this year.. and probably be embarassed by at least a third of them.. and that its ok because the next day (or even a few minutes later), patients will still let me be a part of this thing that I love.

I was given this pamphlet entitled: Love is the remedy God is the healer. And whatever faith you have or don't have there is something about that concept that really describes medicine. You do your best everyday to throw these IV bags, tablets, scalpels of love at peoples bodies hoping that 'the healing factor' will do it's part. Some old or young people get pneumonia and die, some don't. If you take malpractice and population bias out of it, there is something magical about that. And perhaps this thought is what helps me get through the heartbreak of knowing Ms. IQ is not getting better, or that PM has major depression (horrible childhood) at age 12. And perhaps its the love that gets MB through her third year, and God that makes her a strong doctor.

All praise to the healer.